Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Today my e-mail was hacked. Unfortunately there is a large amount of personal information that was saved in e-mails. I am now going through the process of creating a new e-mail account, canceling the old one, and changing my passwords on every web page that I access. It is a huge headache and it does not insure that my personal information is safe. I know this doesn't seem like that big of a deal but for some reason it is really upsetting to me. I'm really angry that I have to change all of my information and be so overly concerned because of some asshole. I feel like the worse shit just keeps on happening to me. I feel like every decision I make is a bad one and I am constantly being completely overwhelmed by things that are out of my control. I suppose this is the last straw that i can handle because it's seriously making me very upset. I really don't understand. I genuinely try to be a good person, wife, friend, sister, daughter, dog mom, etc. It just seems really fucked up that people do this sort of thing to someone who is at least trying to be a good person. That really upsets me. It really bothers me that I have to go through all of this bullshit because some other person wants to be a thief. Here I am busting my ass trying to find an honest job and it's not working. How does that seem right? Apparently I am doing this all wrong. Not to mention that I used that e-mail address on my resume and on many applications. I hope no one tries to contact me that way because it has been canceled.

I don't know what I am doing wrong. I know I'm not perfect but I feel like I don't know what I have done to deserve all of the awful things that have been happening to me lately. I must have done something because it's becoming more than I can handle. I know I have a lot of good things but at the moment I am having trouble seeing those things. I just don't know how much more bullshit I can take. At what point will I have paid my due for whatever terrible thing I have done to deserve this crap. Right now it just doesn't feel like life is being fair to me. Things need to start looking up for me soon because I am at my breaking point.

Oh, right, apparently there's something more serious going on with my heart murmur. I went to the Dr for a sinus infection today (yes that added to my joyful day) and she was really alarmed at how loud the murmur was. Than she asked me if I had certain symptoms, all of which have been very severe symptoms for a long time that no other Dr has been able to help me with. Hopefully it's not serious. I'll be seeing a cardiologist soon. This is the sort of thing you should really be here for. I really wish you were here so I could talk to you about these things. Though i suppose if you were here most of these little things probably wouldn't be bothering me nearly as much.

I really wish I could talk to you right now. I'm not doing very well.

Love you and miss you,
~Jenn

Dear Mom,

So we had Dad and Kim over today, along with their dog Bailey. This was the first time they had been here which is sort of odd because they live less than three hours away. At first I didn't want them to come here because I wanted them to wait until things were more organized and that took us a while. Then, for a while, timing just kept not working. The dogs play really well together. So it's sort of strange we live so close and this is the first time we've had them over. It kind of reminds me that you never got to see our first home.

Figuring out what to make for dinner was easy enough. There were several occassions where I had heard Dad complain to Kim that he wanted her to make lasagna. I guess she messed it up once. She didn't know what she had done wrong and didn't want to screw it up again. So she never made it again. So i knew Dad would be thrilled if I made lasagna. Except I only made lasagna once before. It was when I spent that month in Korea while Ryan was stationed there. I had to cook in that crappy oven and the recipe wasn't very good and the lasagna was terrible. I found a new recipe, though, and everyone liked it. Of course I substituted the ricotta for extra mozarella and parmisan. You know how much I hate ricotta. Everyone really liked it though. I'm glad, I was nervous.

I took Kim on base and we went to the shoppette and bought ciggerettes. We drove around and I showed her the base. It was fun. I wish you would have been able to come and see a military base. I know you never did visit one. It's pretty interesting. You'd like it, I'm sure. We talked a lot about the plans Ryan and I have. Which are basically non-existant. We still don't know what we want to do. We have plenty of planned out options we just need to pick one.

Ok , well it's getting late and I'm tired from the busy day.

Love you,
~Jenn

Dear Mom,
Well, I am going to be really busy today and tomorrow. I'm having Dad and Kim over for dinner tomorrow. I'm making lasagna. I've only made lasagna once before but it didn't turn out. Hopefully this time will be better. Recently I was thinking about your baked ziti. I want to make a dish for Ryan to take to work for all the guys. Right now there's only a few guys in the shop so it would be pretty easy.  I was thinking about how you always made the best baked ziti and that I should get the recipe from you. Whoops. I can't. I hate when I do that. I do it a lot.

Buddy has had all sorts of ailments lately. He's fine but he had this wound on the back of his front right leg. It was a lump and it seemed fine but then Buddy chewed it all up. We were worried he'd get an infection and we really wanted to avoid the vet bill. So we made him wear his lampshade collar for a a little over a week. We would take it off during the day if he was distracted playing or something. Mostly, though, he had to wear it. So the last few days he has his cone off 90% of the tie because he wasn't messing with his wound and it looked better. Then he had to wear it again for a while because he started messing with it again. The next time I took it off of him I realized that the plastic from the cone had rubbed his skin raw on his neck. I felt so bad. So now he can't wear his cone! Fortunately he isn't messing with his leg anymore and he can't get to the spot on his neck so I think he'll be fine.

I really wanted to tell you about last Friday. Our neighbor Adam had gotten a little bitty puppy, Jack. The problem was he's not home during the day and he was having a really had time training him. So, of course, I volunteered to dog sit. He brought him over last friday before he left for work. He's only 7 months old and at that age they can't hold it for very long. Buddy and Jack were crazy playing but it was fun. All they did was play fight. The other thing was I wasn't sure if Jack had any housebreaking at all do I took the dogs for a walk every 1/2 hr. Jack only had one accident in the house and he had been trying to tell me he had to go, I just didn't get it. I also realized Jack had been peeing in the crate that Adam brought over for him. I couldn't believe he hadn't noticed that the towel in there was saturated in urine. So when I put the dogs down for a nap (they were started to get irritated because they were tired) I put a divider in Jacks crate because he had WAY to much room which is why he was peeing in it.

Anyway Adam came and picked up Jack and I let him know about the crate. I let him keep the divider for it. So he didn't bring Jack over on Monday and when I saw him later I went and talked to him. He told me "I don't know what you did but jack has not had one single accident since he was with you.'' I couldn't believe it lol. I just did the basics; frequent walks, treats and "good boy" but apparently it worked. I had so much fun with Jack that I started to think that maybe I'd like to get involved with animals. I really want to go volunteer at the shelter here. I should call them on Monday, they're not open today. Ultimately I'd really like to own a boarding kennel. I know it seems crazy but I'd like to keep it small and do it from home. Like out of a basement or garage when Ryan and I own a home. We really go back and forth about getting out of the military. I would really like to own a house someday but that doesn't seem likely in the military.

Anyway that's all for now. I love you and miss you.
~Jenn 

Dear Mom,
It's been really hard for me since you've gone. I know it's been really hard on Melissa and Gary also. I know Melissa cries a lot, and I'm sure Gary does too. I can't seem to understand why you've gone. I guess that I thought at this point I would be starting to accept what happened, but I'm not. We don't even know what happened to you yet. I still worry about how you died and if you suffered. It will be months before we know, if ever.

I feel really guilty about being so far away. I felt guilty originally because I felt like if I had still lived there I would have been awake with you. Maybe I would have been able to realize things were bad before it was too late. Maybe not though. I know it doesn't matter because it is in the past and I can't change it. Still I can't help thinking about it. Also, I am so worried about Melissa and Gary. It makes me feel awful being so far away. I really don't know what to say to them when we talk. I can't comfort them. I know when I'm down no body can make me feel better with words. I know that's probably how they feel. Besides, I'm also grieving. I talked to Gary about the possibility of Ryan and I getting out of the Air Force and moving back home. I know Melissa wants us home and I feel a responsibility to do that. Except we're not really sure that's what we want to do. We still have two years. I suppose in two years, hopefully, thinks will be better for them and we can make our decision based on what we want. I know that if we left now, with Goldsboro being the only place we've visited, we would both be very disapointed. There are a lot of things we love about the Air Force and we haven't gotten what we want out of it yet. We really want to go overseas for a while. We'll see. I wish that I lived closer so that I could come to the cemetery. That's what helped me when David passed.

It's really hard not talking to you, Mom. I'm sorry it had been a few days since I called. I was going to call you that Tuesday, but than Gary called me with the news. I guess I thought this would have sunk in by now but I have not even begun to accept this. I always think of things I'm going to tell you next time I call you. I take a picture of Buddy or Ryan and think of sending it to you. There was still so much left that was suppose to happen between us. How am I suppose to accept that you're gone? How is Melissa suppose to get on with out you? How am I going to raise babies with out your help? I lost 12 lbs. I figured the next time I saw you would be Christmas and I'd have lost more and I knew you'd be proud of me. You never got to see that, though.

I feel like we all got robbed. You and I always had a rough relationship. It wasn't until I moved out that things started to smooth out between us. You always told me we'd get along better once I moved out and it was true. Except we went through all of those years of not getting along and we finally figured it out, and you are gone. We never got to enjoy our relationship. It's not right, and it's fucked up, and I'm still pretty mad.

We canceled your phone this week. I haven't taken you out of my contacts or off of my speed dial yet though. I'm not ready to but I'm also really worried I might accidentally try to call you.

I wish in the dreams that I have of you I would realize that you're dead. I have some of those. The ones where you are alive, though, are really upsetting. In the dream I'm fine. It's waking up to reality that's the hard part.

I don't know if writing to you is going to help me or not. Maybe it will just keep the thought in my head that you're here, as opposed to accepting that you're gone. I don't know, but I have to try something.

Well, that's all for now. I'll write again soon, I'm sure.

I love you,
~Jenn